You don't have to memorize this, just to know it.

They're like, 'Poor us!' Oh, poor you, get over it, get a job!

So, now it's cool, right? I hang out at Target every weekend, and you don't see me at K-mart, still...

Oh, you're a wonderful person, I've known you for years, THAT'S A STUPID JACKET!

Can we believe everything Shannon says and everyone else is just a piece of antagonistic crap?

Ok, the theme. 'This is a play about' dot dot dot. (silence) Well, it's not about ellipses!

Oops, I just said everybody relied on his connections in Hollywood, but he was already dead, so... never mind.

You're 20. You're not 80 years old. You should remember everything I say, like a sponge.

Virginia is for lovers, Maryland is for crabs (discussing prostitution and std's.)

Student: But what I don't understand is why, when I try to overload this operator I get a segfault and my core dump is a zero file size.
Frey: You know what, I don't know! And I don't care!

They're not too smart, so they have to practice using the zipper.

The music is insipid! It's stupid because if it was beautiful, it would stir up emotion. So it's stupid, it's insipid! It's like techno, right?

This is a rubber mallet. You could use this to drive nails, OR to beat the whatever out of...whatever...

Please--don't sleep in class. The more you seem to reflect that I am boring, the more I'm gonna get...boring. Something like that.

If your friends tell you Linear Algebra is hard, then you have bad friends

Hey, no sex in the lecture hall, please!

I go up to my lab, close the door, turn down the lights, and I shoot up

Some call it trickery, some call it knowing the concept.

Physics is the next best thing to sex.

I can explain the future in 5 minutes.

I'm a big fan of marriage. I do it a lot.

Instead of going somewhere nice for vacation, you will only have enough money for trip to Glen Burnie!

The honeymoon principle: do the best you can with what little you got.

If you are not clear on something before the test, a blinding miracle will not oocur when the test paper is in your hand.

The last time I was on a farm I was in grade school. I don't like farms... I'm not a goat person, I apologize to all the farmers in the room. Oh and by the way I don't sweat like a pig, I sweat like a fat man....Now on with the problem...

The worlds largest #2 Pencil Erector set

Sometimes you get lost in the forest staring at trees you can't see... (long pause) And if you can figure that one out, write it down and send it to me...and then we'll both know.

I don't like vegatables or fruit, and I don't eat meat. All I like is coke and skittles.

(more or less)

Lets say we have two individuals, Al and George. When we examine their DNA on the gel, we find that George has more fragments and therefore more restriction sites than Al. Of course, Al will want to do a recount since George isn't ahead by too many but George, who isn't good at higher numbers, will know that he wants to keep the count where it is.

I challenge you to define LOVE. (Silence, giggles). Well, we use the word love, we talk about it, we sing about it, and making it but we do not know what love is!!

Does anybody know the answer?
John...?
The class sits still.
What, there is no John in this class? There is a John in every class!

Okay, so I'm hearing about these things in other departments where they give you a topic, not like a math problem, but you type up a few pages about the subject. I think they are called papers. I hear they are quite popular, maybe we should try them in this class.

We're old farts so don't call after 10:00PM.

Class Rules:
1) The instructor is always on time.
2) In the unlikely event the instructor is late, rule number one applies.

(student yawns loudly)
I understand...you're tired...and the subject is boring...and the teacher is bad...

I suppose you can 'keyah!' during a bowel movement and have a very explosive one

I walk around up here at the blackboard instead of standing at the overhead because it's harder to hit a moving target.

The name is not Mike. It's John.

Bigger balls create a bigger load.

the center of mass of two breasts is right in the middle!

As much as it pains me to say it, no midriff tops in lab

You shouldn't do derivatives if you've had alot to drink. It's not good to drink and derive.

Platypusessesses are those animals with the bills and the round heads and the furry bodies and the beaver tails. They're cute, you look at them and you just want to cuddle with them, but don't! Platypussessesses are poisonous. They'll kill you, then when you're dead they'll rob you. They're natures answer to the gangbanger.
-Jim Thomas, Philosophy 100

For those of you that don't understand,
just pretend I didn't say that part.

They were originally only for seamen. (long pause) SEA MEN. Men at sea!

Does everyone understand?...No?...Sorry, thats the best I can do.

[recuerdo cuando] fumar la marijuana fue peor que matarle a su madre!

Translation: [I remember when] it was (considered) worse to smoke pot that to kill your mother!

Okay, the review is over.

The only thing better than physics is sex!

Today's reading is taken from the book of Brown and Lemay, Chapter 3...Section 3.4...

We must make a good joint

If you look in the back of the sleazy magazines I read you may see ads for some of these things.

Whoever teaches the class before this is a real pig.

Police men use the Mean Value Theorem to catch speeders.

I can come back later.

When talking about a student, make sure the student has no access to you; said as he closed the classroom door.

Mommy, why do you keep spelling sex over and over again?

That was almost orgasmic! yeah, I need to get out more...

Anal processing!?? Oh! AURAL processing. Ok good, I thought I would have to change the model...

I need magic, dammit.

The English language has enough problems of its own as is, it doesn't need yours too!

In Africa, crazy men are usually naked. Philosiphers always ask, 'why is it that crazy men have such big genitals?' It's because there's nothing to hinder the growth.

I'm talking to much, would any of you like to say anything...anything at all?

Plants have sex too!

And if at any point what I say seems different than what the [text] says, keep it to yourself.

I was hired to find how much force it takes for a knife to penetrate a skull, so I got some other guys together and we all took a stab at it.

Until you do it with models, you just don't understand.

I don't mean to sound glib but frankly, I don't care.

“Ashes to ashes dust to dust… this is it baby…DEATH”

The most common subjects in psychology experiments are college sophomores and albino rats.

How am I supposed to play this? You hand me a score and it's like a road map to Massachusetts, for crying out loud.

You can leave if you want

If you believe in something, it must be true!

If it gets hot in here I'll just take my shirt off.

Squeeze the quarter note between your buttocks!

This course is to give you some idea of what Math is about.

Chlorosulfonic acid is an extremely corrosive acid which reacts violently with water yielding concentrated amounts of hydrochloric acid and sulfuric acid in the form of a gas... so before you start the experiment, you have to make sure your glassware is wet. Err, I meant dry.

...Sir Isaac Newton, no relation to the fig...
- Dr. Clayton Laurie

Now if a big man came in here and pushed on me, I would push back, of course, right? No, I would cower and hide.

if you dont know this by this point in the semester you better buy a pair of dice and a set of tarot cards because your screwed

The worst thing about having a kid that is dumb is having a kid that loves to do too much homework

Look at all the cereals at the store. You don't need that many cereals to survive, or even have a good cereal experience.

Pornography rules! --Valerie Scott

Now, lets do this together...where is your right hand?

this integral is a different type of animal.

If it tastes like pickle juice, you're home free!

Look, let's get this meeting over with and go swimming.

If it's a day late, it's 10% off. Two days late, 25% off. Anything later than that, try again next semester.

I believe you are all familiar with what is known as a 'wire'

Hmm... there don't seem to be a lot of students here today. How about if we cut the camera today and screw them?

Let me see a show of hands; Who understands what we're doing? I see, yes, now who doesn't understand what we're doing and wishes they were dead? Yes, now this is an over reaction...

I'm not going to finish the proof for you, you can figure it out on your own time.

humpbacked cougars love to chug malt liquor at the old age crib boyee!

Any questions, remarks, comments?...any sign of life?

If you really want to hurt anybody, you need something like this.

If my uncle is rich, and I am close to my uncle, then I am also rich!

Today I'm going to imagine my head on a giraffe's body... a burning giraffe.

Some would call it trickery, some call it knowing the concept-talking about his tests

Youve already seen everything in this section(said at the beginning of every section)

I see people aren't in class today. They don't know that Calculus is like like a suspense movie..........
(after a long period of suspense)
If you miss part of it, you will never understand it.